Finding Courage To Create A Fulfilling Life- Or Else…
I’ve been busy getting settled in here to LA again, the latest personal example of pushing my own boundaries. You see, I am much more afraid of living a stagnant, unfulfilled life than I am of becoming broke or even dyeing. I mean, after all, what are we here for? To try and blot out a tolerable existence, spending most of our energy trying to find new ways of anesthetizing ourselves to the fact that we’re not really very happy, fulfilled? I am scared to death of that. Actually, I’m not that scared of it, cause I’m just not willing to do it. I am always pushing my boundaries, listening to myself tell me in what areas I need to grow, then taking action in that area. For example: I didn’t like smoking. Didn’t line up with who I wanted to be. I found a way to quit. It was hard. It took time. But I did it. Its been several years now.
I quit drinking for 3 years, then for another 6 years, and now have done so again. No moral issues with drinking, just doesn’t work well for me. So I put in the energy necessary to quit.
My self concept included being an educated person. Problem was, I wasn’t enducated. So I put myself through college. Got a degree in a very competitive program to both get into and graduate from, and its one of the top accomplishments of my life. I’ve also read dozens of books and watched dozens of documentaries all in an effort to better understand this world, this universe, God, the human mind/body, nature, and lots of other aspects of life. Today, I have the education about life and the world and how things work that I wanted. It has made my experience here much richer, as my subconscious undoubtedly knew, which is why it was prompting me to learn. I’m glad I listened, and still do.
I felt like I needed to get away from Tallahassee for a while to explore myself and where I wanted to go next with my life. So actually, before going back to college and declaring a major I sold off everything, packed what was left, quit my cushy ad agency job that was very socially acceptable, but in which I was miserable, and left town for LA without a job or a place to live. I drove cross country, made my way to santa monica, found a place, found a table waiting job in Beverly Hills, and explored myself and a new area. Painful. Scary. Exhilerating. And the single best thing I’ve ever done for myself in my life. Completely freed me in many ways.
After 9 months of soul searching (and exploring LA), I went back and enrolled in college, now with purpose, direction, and perspective. The path I’d end up taking in the end wasn’t the one I came back thinking I’d take, but that’s cool too. All part of the journey.
I’ve had some old “stuff” around loving and being loved. I took a risk and loved the hell out of a girl. Really let myself go. It lasted about a year. It was some of the most painful and amazing experiences of my life. Despite it not “working out” in the end, it completely woke me up to the fact that I AM capable of really loving another person. It showed me some things about my capacity for love that really woke me up to my potential for love. Taking that risk was painful, and yet it broadened me in a way that is hard to describe, and makes my life more rich as result. I continue to find ways to grow in this area (and all others, but this one front and center on the radar).
Fitness: Actually, another positive side effect of having the courage to love that girl was that it made me want to get in shape for her. I’d struggled with insecurity over my body for, well, my whole life. No muscle tone. Some extra pounds. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. Not a vanity thing. My brain was just telling me that this isn’t who I was meant to be. I didn’t have the health and fitness that my self concept said I should have. So, though I’d never been able to get any traction in the “working out” area before, this passion for this girl gave me the motivation to hire a personal trainer to teach me how to work out , eat right, and create the kind of body and fitness level I desired. The results have been astounding. Not only do I now have the body, health, and fitness I always wanted, but its effortless. I love it. And I love helping other people get it too. Its still weird to feel the muscles twitch on my body as I make various movements. To look in the mirror and like what I see. To feel fine with being in a tank top or with my shirt off around others. All because I was willing to take a risk, push past some fear, and keep pushing.
I had to push past fears of job searching with a felony record. Facing being turned down for jobs I was over qualified for. It was hard. Sometimes I hid in my apartment, playing video games, my bank account constantly shrinking. Eventually I had to face my fears, again, and get out there. It worked. People were willing to take a chance on me. It took going through some rejection, but ultimately it was one of those rejections (and the whole process) that helped spring me into the courage to be self employed.
I had to push past people telling me “its not possible” or “you cant do that” when deciding I was going to be a real estate investor, despite having no formal education whatsoever. Since then I’ve bought well over 40 properties, and I currently have 23 rentals still. When someone tells me its not possible, the economy is too bad, you have to know someone, or anything else I just smile and remove myself from their presence, sending a silent blessing to them as I do. I just don’t believe them. (And this is something I have to deal with on a regular basis. Unfortunately, most folks don’t yet realize that this way of thinking does not serve them, but keeps them hostage to their unfulfilled life).
Recently my mind was telling me it was time for another big change. Again, though I had a very socially acceptable answer to “what do you do” I wasn’t happy with it. And I wasn’t happy with Tallahassee anymore. Like the line from “Moving On” by rascal flats, “I never thought that home was the place I didn’t feel I’d belong.” After a year of floundering, searching for some new direction, the only clear message I was getting was that I needed to move on. I wanted to create “inspiring communications” of some kind and I wanted to be in an area where I could explore different ways of doing that, and where there are lots of other young, ambitious, courageous, creative people. Like minded individuals. So, ultimately I knew I needed to come back to LA. Just like last time, I folded up shop in Tallahassee, left behind all my “titles”, and made myself a no one again in a new city of millions, all strangers to me. I came again with no job, no place to live, no specific plan, just my general agenda, some savings, and my gut instincts. A couple weeks later I sit at the kitchen table in my fully furnished place in West LA. I’ve found all I need to get started here, including some great people already. I know having the courage to come here will be as rewarding as all the other times I’ve had the courage to follow my gut, my purpose. And as I begin finding a way to support myself while I explore exactly how I want to create and disseminate my “inspiring communications”, there will be still more fears to face. And I will face them, and keep moving. Because to let them overcome me, to fall back into complacency, is death for me. A slow death at that. So, I keep pushing, and doing so in all areas of my life, following my instincts, my gut, or listening to God, however you want to describe it (its all means the same to me). And I continue to lead an ever-richer life. Which is the purpose of this life to me.
Steve Pavlina, a blogger I admire very much, wrote an article that really does a wonderful job helping to get perspective on this topic of pushinging past fears to create the life we were meant to live, and the consequences of not.. You will get a lot from it, I know I did. Check it out here: http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/courage-to-live-consciously.htm
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